Adventures of Hamster Girl: 2011

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

How to be obsessed with a person: a Hamster's view

HOW TO BE OBSESSED WITH A PERSON

1. Pick any person.

2. When you wake up in the morning, think about this person first thing. Spend some time replaying your last interactions with the person and begin planning when you will next contact them. Spend some time trying to decide whether to call or text or email them and what you might say via any of those mediums. Craft the email, text or call in your head carefully so that you are the most funny and clever you can be to them. Continue this line of thought while you shower and get ready for your day and while you commute to work.

3. Once you have reached work, delay any meaningful start to your workday while you carefully craft the message you will send to your person. Hit SEND and enjoy the momentary thrill of knowing that soon your person will be reading your witty, insightful, funny message.

Wait 2 minutes and then begin to worry about the following things:

a). Did they see the message yet?

b.) How was the message received? Was it funny?

c.) Why haven't they answered you yet?

Pretend to work while waiting another 2 minutes. While waiting, read your 'sent' message repeatedly. Continue worrying about a, b, and c, above.

After 10-15 minutes of worry, send yourself a text, email, or call to make sure the system is working.

If you get an answer from your person, rejoice! Read it repeatedly while pretending to work and then begin crafting your reply in your head and repeat entire cycle above.

If they answer again, repeat and etc.

4. If you have any meetings or lunch appointments spend the entire time wondering whether or not you have heard from your person and what they are doing. If you can, pick up your phone and check it repeatedly. If you can't, think about doing it constantly. Begin to worry that your person is TRYING to reach you and you are not available! What if they really NEED YOU RIGHT NOW? Stay preoccupied with these things so that you don't really listen or participate in any conversations around you. As soon as it is polite and/or possible, run to where you can contact your person and regale them with tales of the boring/exciting lunch or meeting you just left. If your person has not contacted you yet, repeat steps a, b and c from #3.

5. When you are with other people, talk constantly about your person. Begin to monitor yourself so that you don't say too many things about this person. Have so many thoughts and stories about this person that they back up into each other like an LA freeway pileup as they wait to get out of your head. Keep returning the conversation to topics and stories about your person. When you see the light of interest fade to a dull stare in your companion's eyes, tell one more story. Hear everything that everyone says in relation to your person in the following ways:

a) What would my person think of that?

b) How can I retell this story in a funny way to my person?

c) say, "That reminds me of..." and insert another anecdote about your person into the conversation.

Begin to fidget and want to be in contact with your person. If you don’t know where they are or who they’re with, begin to think and wonder about this while pretending to be part of the conversation. If your person is available and willing, begin texting back and forth while pretending to listen to the people around you.

6. Plan all social events around your person. Decline offers to do things if you have a chance to do something with your person instead. Don’t commit to anything while you wait for your chance to do something with your person. Don’t seek out other people so that you leave all possible opportunities to spend time with your person open.

7. If you have hobbies, routines or practices that your person doesn’t do too, ignore them in order to spend more time with your person.

8. Never be happy with how much time or contact you have with this person. Want to contact them again even while you are driving away from their house.

9. Ignore any evidence that the person is not matching up to your idea of them or does not return your same feelings.

10. Begin to resent your person when they don’t answer your messages or when they spend time with other people or act in ways you didn’t think they were like.

11. Feel guilt and shame for feeling resentful and having the obsession in the first place.

12. Try to stop doing everything listed in No’s 1-9 but find it too hard.